So, I’m living in London, right? Might as well take advantage of that and learn some really useful expressions. And try them out. Feel how they roll off the tongue. Such as the title of this here post. Top bollocks.

Now if you don’t know what bollocks are (yes I do realise that this is a household word for my British readers) it’s most literal meaning is testicles. And of course used as an exclamation it means, among other things, rubbish, in the British sense of the word (a/k/a crap). But what, exactly, are top bollocks?

My husband came home the other day and asked me to look it up because he’d heard it at work and wasn’t sure what it meant. “I think it means boobs.” Said Bill. Well, sure. That’s the obvious answer. But it occurred to me that it might have more than one meaning, particularly if it’s being used so liberally around the office.

Anyhow, I told him that I thought it also meant something good — like the bees knees or ne plus ultra or the like. You know how they made us yell out “top banana” at the Panto (if you don’t know what a panto is you will have to look it up because it is too lengthy an explanation but let’s just say it is a quintessentially British form of entertainment involving, among other things, acting, singing, making predictable off-colour jokes and beefy men in drag) for no apparent reason? Well if we have “top banana” why not “top bollocks.”

So naturally I looked it up on Urban Dictionary and I was right. One of the meanings is “something or someone that is the best in their company or position.” See here for examples of sentences using this brilliant term. Oh and yes it also does in fact mean boobs. As in, “she has lovly [sic] top bollocks.”

Well after about a nanosecond I realised that I had to write a post about top bollocks. It is so apt, you see. Because as you know I’m going in on Tuesday morning to get my very own set of “lovly” top bollocks and I’m fortunate enough to have a surgeon who is the top bollocks. I’m not making that up. He is. It even said so in Tatler’s who’s who a few months ago so it must be true.

You really don’t want just anyone fiddling around with your bits and pieces. You want the very best. The top bollocks himself.

This brings me to another term, one that I had never heard or indeed read before this evening. I came across it quite by accident whilst (oh yes I did just write whilst) looking up the expression “plumb forgot.” I had never written that down before and wasn’t sure about it. And to my great delight, the word “plumb” was used in the definition and example sentences for another really excellent expression. One that has catapulted itself to the very top of my list. I’d even venture to say that it is among the top bollocks of expressions and I am now going to try and use it as frequently as possible, although perhaps not in polite company.

The expression is “fuck eye.” Now don’t go confusing this with the verb “eye fuck,” which as you know or could probably guess if you are not a daft prick means to fuck someone with your eyes. No, not literally, just, you know, give them that look like you want to.

No. Fuck eye is a noun, not a verb. And here’s what Urban Dictionary has to say about it:

Um, if you don’t think this is funny you are a right wanker. “You’ve got fuck eye son.” I mean, seriously. I’m still laughing about it and I looked it up by accident about two hours ago. And try saying it, as I imagine it, with a Texas accent, which makes it even better. I have to believe that this is a very American expression.

So, to conclude today’s lesson, let’s use my British meets American expressions in context, shall we? Mix things up a bit, just for shits and giggles.

Friend: “So, Emily, are you excited about getting a new set of top bollocks this Tuesday?”

Me: “Why yes I am rather chuffed (that’s “pretty stoked” for my American readers). I’ve got a top bollocks surgeon who is the top bollocks himself.”

Friend: “Brilliant. You would hate to have some fuck eye do the job.”

Me: “Indeed.”