In a recent e-mail, my mother-in-law asked me whether she thought my saline boob expanders — if you don’t know what I am talking about think of them space savers for my implants — would set off the metal detector at the airport on account of their magnetic ports. I credit myself with thinking of a lot of things but this had not occurred to me. And I doubt it will happen. Nevertheless, in the spirit of the Boy Scouts, I have decided to be prepared.

I have thought about what to say to the authorities should bells go off when I step through, having handed over my watch, belt and iPhone.

Feel free to vote for your favourite.

Option 1: “Stand back; bionic tits coming through, people.” I mean Jaime Sommers has nothin’ on me. Cue corny bionic sound effects and slow-mo.

Option 2: (Said when wand is passed over each breast and sound indicates presence of metal.) “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet; the dude behind me has a metal asshole.”

Option 3: “Oh, those are just my 24-karat tatas. I like to travel in style.”

Option 4: “Take cover! They’re gonna blow!” (That one probably isn’t a good plan because it would likely subject me to rough handling and possibly even a cavity search in a small windowless room, causing me to miss my flight).

And Option 5: (If I get the pat-down rather than the wand.) “Ooh, baby don’t stop. That’s more action than they’ve had in six months.”

What? Yeah, I know. I’m a weirdo. But one has to have a sense of humour about these things for Christ’s sake.