Only the English

Everyone is sick and tired of the whining so I’ve decided to stop that bullshit, regroup and come up with a decent post. Relieved? Oh goody — me too. For a moment there I thought I was Sally Struthers.

I have some special things to share with you. I keep seeing these things out of the corner of my eye. Things I didn’t mean to notice only after I noticed them I couldn’t help but marvel, simply marvel, at their awesomeness, their absurdity, forgive me — their Britishness.

Now I know there are a great deal of silly things in the United States and strangely named towns and this and that and once my husband bought a package of almond macaroons from Whole Foods and for some inexplicable reason I happened to examine the label to discover that some joker had typed in the company address as [fill in the number] Dickhead Avenue. We both laughed out loud for a good long time about that one. In fact I still laugh about it. Because I am about as mature as my eight-year-old.

But seriously, Dickhead Avenue has nothing on these guys. And it was TRYING to be funny. On purpose.

So I’m in Boots the other day (that’s the big chain pharmacy for you losers who have never been to London and don’t know what I’m talking about — oh and by the way they even sell Boots products at Target now so if you haven’t heard of it you really are a loser. Sorry.) looking for cold medicine. Turns out they keep the good stuff (yes Sudafed) behind the counter just like in the US except you don’t have to show ID, you can just look them in the eye and swear that you are not going to cook up some crystal meth in your kitchen and they will happily sell you the stuff. Although I’ve never asked for multiple boxes. I’ll try that next time for kicks…

Anyhow I totally digress. So I’m scanning the shelf for a good cold remedy when for no apparent reason a small white box on the next shelf over toward the bottom beckons.

Exhibit A:

photo copy 2I mean, are you fucking serious? In case you don’t have your reading glasses on, the description says “Relief from the pain & discomfort of trapped wind.” And yes there is a person who appears to be female and naked holding her stomach with one hand and covering her tits with the other hand. Really? Is this product trying to be sexy? Sorry, but something called “WindSetlers” cannot by definition be sexy. I mean they even spelled it with one “t.” Appalling.

I almost bought some so I can take it next time I have a bean salad for lunch and am invited that night to a cocktail party. I figure I could fart loudly and when people glance my way, look all matter-of-fact and whip the box out of my handbag and say “what? I took a WindSetler.”

Maybe you don’t find this funny and that’s fine but you are no friend of mine.

Here’s another one that I’m including special for my friend, Kate.

Exhibit B:

photo copyThat’s right. Look closely. It’s “Tooty Pecans.” I found these at our local grocery store. I’ve passed them every other week for months, probably, but only the other day did I make the connection. In fact, there is a whole line of products called “Tooty.” As in, I assume, “tooty fruity?” Well Kate knows very well that “toot” is just a term of art for passing gas, or releasing “trapped wind” as the case may be. “Tooty” is simply the adjective. And you thought it was the sound that Thomas The Tank Engine makes. I bought some of these and I’m going right back to Boots to get some WindSetlers so that if the pecans work as advertised I’ll be all set.

My last little gem is something that I happened upon in the parking lot of my GP’s office in Golders Green.

Exhibit C:

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Okay. This is a place that sells plants and shit. So it doesn’t have to have that serious a name. But seriously, you picked the name “Clowns” for your business? I mean you’re just asking for it. I could never buy anything there because I don’t want to do business with those clowns. And I would certainly never park there because it clearly states that parking is for clowns management only. Clowns management? I wonder if even Ringling Brothers has such a thing as a clown manager. If they do he should fly right over here and park in this parking lot though because he’d have a hell of a good argument if they tried to clamp his wheel. I don’t know much about the libel laws here but hopefully the owners of this joint won’t read this and sue me because they are pissed off I made fun of their sign.

All I have to say is, listen, bozo, if you do own this business and you are pissed off, please don’t sue me. I promise to buy a palm tree or maybe a unicycle from you to make you happy.

2 thoughts on “Only the English

  1. Haha! You haven’t seen the “whitey” face products in Asia. Could you imagine a product with that word on the package here or in the UK??! I love the Clowns sign. Lol! But I think it’s a children’s nursery/preschool, no?

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