Just when you thought I was finally going to shut up about everything, here I go again.
The other night at a party I ran into a woman who within the last few months completed her treatment for breast cancer. Good Lord. I almost wrote “who went through what I went through” and then I stopped and nearly slapped myself at the ridiculousness of that thought. If I have learned anything it is that no two people go through the same thing even when they are both diagnosed with and treated for a disease bearing the same name. Anyhow, you get the gist. She had breast cancer. She endured chemotherapy, surgery and radiation. And now she is sporting a very becoming, if I may say so, and somewhat familiar cropped ‘do.
She confided in me that life after treatment has proven difficult and that it is hard to know how to deal with it and what to do with the cacophony of emotions with which one is assaulted once the new, cancer-free you is unleashed on the world. It is indeed a hard time. When the hand-holding stops and you are pushed off the boat you have to rely on yourself and those around you, and if you are religious, whatever god or entity you worship, to get through your day. And you often don’t feel quite as strong as you were for some period of time, which is frustrating, albeit for most of us, at least temporary.
I have observed that people — not all people, mind you, but most people — don’t really “get” this. When it isn’t your problem and it hasn’t happened to you, the instinct once treatment is over is to cross it off the list and move on (and hope to hell that the cancer survivor has moved or will soon move on as well so you don’t have to hear about it anymore). We cannot begrudge people for feeling this way or for wanting this. Closure. Over. Onward. I want that too. I’d love to wake up tomorrow and not think about any of it for one nanosecond. But I know that’s never going to happen because there are too many reminders, both emotional and physical. And not all of them are negative, which is something I won’t delve into now but suffice it to say that this has been a learning experience and a journey into heightened awareness of self and others. Jesus that sounds corny but sorry I couldn’t think of a decent synonym for “journey.”
In some ways this is annoying. There are things that I would rather not contemplate very much, such as the inevitable fleeting thought that at some point in the future, the little fuckers could come back. That I would have to undergo those draconian treatments all over again and maybe even undergo dying, which would really suck. I am not being flip. I have thought about these things a lot. It does NOT mean that I am negative or that I am being negative. I am being human. Recognise the difference.
Strangely, you might find, I am now able to consider my own mortality without freaking out and getting all weepy (well, the great majority of the time). I mean, something’s going to get all of us — I should really say each of us, since unless a really large meteor hits it won’t be at the same time for everyone. Allowing myself to think about this has been helpful. In the beginning, in the days leading to my diagnosis, particularly, the thought of it was terrifying and I felt completely out of control. I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel very positive about the future. But I am not delusional and I will not pretend things. My mind wouldn’t allow it, anyhow. I don’t let myself get away with anything.
Over the summer one of my close friends told me that she had stopped reading my blog. The topic came up and she looked away from me, paused and said quickly and firmly “I stopped reading it.” In saying this she was conveying her feeling that this chapter was officially over. I totally respect that decision. And I imagine many other people stopped reading at that point as well. But the thing is, for me it’s never really over. Lots of folks might be finished with it or they might find it annoying or upsetting or [insert another negative adjective] or they just might not need it or want it anymore. That is all fine and dandy. I, however, am not finished with it. I like to write. And it won’t even always be about cancer. I promise.
I imagine that what I write about will evolve. In fact, if you look at early posts versus what I write now, I think it already has evolved. The tone is not the same because I am no longer in honey badger mode. I’m chilling. I’ve entered a new phase. In a few years’ time, who knows, Killing It Blog may have morphed into an interior decorating blog about how to vamp up your kid’s bedroom. But no matter what I write about I will always be affected by what has happened and that experience may inform some of my writing even if I don’t write about it specifically or explicitly.
In other news I placed myself on the wait list for that course in interior decoration I was supposed to embark on over a year and a half ago right before my unwelcome news. Lo and behold, over the summer a spot opened up so I am going to be a student again. The really great news is that I have enough hair not to look like GI Jane on my student ID photo (the same cannot be said for my passport photo which I have to carry around for ten years — oh joy). Hot spit.
I’m going to dust off the drafting board, see if my markers have dried out and buy some new school supplies. I am excited and a little nervous about the workload (and — eek — the competition). But you know one of the most exciting things about it is that I am about to meet a whole new group of individuals who don’t know me from Adam (at least hardly any of them will, I imagine) and to them I will just be me. I will not be that lady who had breast cancer. People will not comment on my hair with a knowing look. They will not ask me “how are you?” in that way people ask. I will just be Emily, the American expat former lawyer mother of two who decided to do a career change before whatever is left of her right brain dries up forever.
Yes in that group it won’t exactly be over, but it won’t ever even have started. It’s a rather refreshing thought, really.