My blog has been up for what, two weeks, and the bloody spammers have found me.

When I initially set up the blog, I read that spammers could clog up one’s site with “comments” on posts. I even thought I had set up a nifty software plugin to deal with the issue prophylactically, should they ever find me. But apparently I forgot to activate it (until just now).

So for the last few days I have been filtering some pretty dumb crap on ole killingitblog. I’ve been marking such crap as spam one comment at a time. Not very technologically advanced and about as much fun and effective as swatting flies one at a time with a month-old ham on the counter and the back door wide open.

Well here’s a little bit of advice for all you spammers out there who thought it was a good idea to post comments on my website, which in case you hadn’t noticed, is about breast cancer and shit:

(1) If you tell me that my blog is “one of the best you have ever seen” and that you will “subscribe to it if I will try your pills” it sounds a little disingenuous, dontcha think? What are you, eight?

(2) I am not interested in buying Viagra, whether you ask me in English or in Flemish, whether you spell it with a capital or a lowercase “v.” I do not have a penis, and if I did it would not have erectile dysfunction. Rather, it would be a sizeable, virile, killing it machine. Naturally.

(3) Despite the fact that numerous surgeries are in my future, none of these surgeries involves a sex change or otherwise getting a penis. So I do not need any Viagra. Are you getting this, you daft prick?

(4) I do not need to “get my girlfriend back” so you can stop posting dumb comments on my site as well, thanks very much. If you read anything I have written you might clue into the fact that my female issues, although quite plentiful, don’t involve a long-lost lesbian love. Or getting her back. Although that might spice up my “journey” and increase readership.

Now LOOK: if you have a question to ask me, even if it is just a “yo how r u” or “where u at,” or you have some feedback on an issue (“you swear too much”) or a correction to offer (“your science is all wrong”), please do post a comment on my site. Comments are nifty and I so enjoy sifting through them when they are legit.

But you spammers beware, or I’ll go all honey badger on your ass.

That’s all I have to say about that.