I was thinking back today to my thirtieth birthday party in Manhattan. It seems like ages ago. Bill and I were working as M&A associates at large NY law firms at the time and we hadn’t any kids. We decided to have a small party in our 800 (on a good day) square foot apartment on 26th Street and Sixth Avenue. Back when the Chelsea Flea Market was just across the street, now long since displaced by another high-rise apartment building.

Here I sit ten years later, faced with trying to decide what to wear to my fortieth birthday party this evening (celebrated a week late so it wouldn’t be two days after chemo). For the past couple of days I have half-heartedly shopped for dresses but for some reason I just haven’t been in a shopping mood. I ain’t feeling it.

That doesn’t mean I’m not looking forward to my party. Au contraire. I am totally in a party mood. We are dining at an Italian restaurant (Zafferano) in Knightsbridge. We’ve hired the private dining room in the wine cellar for a small group.

Anyhow, in weighing my “hair” and dress options for tonight I couldn’t help but think back ten years ago to that thirtieth birthday. To a younger, different, cancer-free me. I love any excuse to dress up, so I took the long brunette extensions I had used for my wedding up-do (you realise that those Oscar-worthy do’s involve extensions don’t you? No one has that much hair…) and had a hairdresser create a high, slicked-back ponytail for the occasion.

I wore a knee-length beige, slightly see-through, ruched Diane Von Furstenberg dress with spaghetti straps. I might still have it somewhere. That and a groovy vintage gold-tone necklace from a secondhand shop on 23rd Street. I know I still have the extensions, but that concept wouldn’t work out so well at present, would it?

So what should I wear? An old dress or a new dress (and if new time is running out… the party is in fewer than four hours)? If old what will still look good? There are a number of dresses from before but I haven’t tested them all with my “interim set.” And what about the matter of my head? Do I go bald and beautiful or scarf it or maybe try the little black hat with a flower? Or should I bring Gabriella (read Cold Cap: From Rapunzel to Rambo if you don’t know Gabriella) as my second date?

Decisions, decisions. Whatever I choose I will let you know. I really need a killer ensemble.

Because I plan to party hard tonight.